Up in the Air

I hate the feeling of not knowing what’s going to happen next.

I lay in bed thinking about all the different ways my, and our, life could possibly go and my head spins. I have to distract myself or else I’ll drive myself crazy.

I put in a 30-day notice at my job and I don’t have something else lined up for after I’m gone. I know, this isn’t very smart, but I needed some sort of finality to ease my stress I’m experiencing while at work.

A few of my client’s have cried and others don’t seem affected one way or the other about my leaving. I know I’ve done good work and I have to tell them that my own life is changing and it’s time for me to move on.

We want to start our own family and although we have have just enough to get by with our bills, we can’t seem to get ahead. We all know “social workers don’t do it for the money” but there are definitely jobs out there that pay more than what I’m making now. It honestly breaks my heart and took me a month and a half to come to the decision that I was actually going to leave.

I have the opportunity to learn more about a position that was unexpectedly brought to me by one of the landlords I currently work with, so we’ll see where that goes. I also got a call from Council on Aging yesterday about a case management position. So my mind feels a little more at ease. It’s so incredibly frustrating to put in probably 30 applications and only hear back from 2 agencies, one from COA and the other to deny me for “not being experienced enough.”

It baffles me that companies expect you to have 3-5 years experience, but when you’ve recently graduated you can’t help it that you haven’t accumulated the experience just yet. They need to give me a chance. It makes me feel so defeated.

Anyways…

I think about the ‘what ifs’ a lot and I need to distract myself to help ease all of those thoughts. I pray a lot about it too and try to remind myself that just when I’m assuming the worst, God is working in the background to surprise me.

How do you deal with your own moments in life when you feel like things are “up in the air?” Leave me a comment below!

xoxo

Moving Forward

It’s so much easier for me to write an update versus vlogging about it; it takes a lot of time to edit and upload a video as my computer/technology isn’t the best.

We’ve made a big decision in our lives and that is that we’re going to work towards adopting a child to start our family.

This decision came out of frustration and stress from the fertility clinic that we have been going to since last Fall. As I explained in my last vlog, we had a follow-up appointment on June 19th to discuss next steps and find out the results of Tay’s sperm analysis. We actually got good news: his sperm count was up a little! We decided to do another IUI as I was on day two of my cycle and the timing seemed perfect. The next day I started taking letrozole to mature my eggs and then I would return for an ultrasound on cycle day 10, the 27th. I had such high hopes that the medicine did its job and I would have at least 2 mature eggs.

I went for the ultrasound, which was done by a different doctor in the clinic because my usual RE was out for vacation and I waited for 30 minutes past my appointment time before even going back.

I only had one mature egg.

One.

Now, this is normal as women typically produce one mature egg during her cycle. In terms of IUI, though, they would like to see 2-3 eggs to increase the chances of the success of the procedure. My frustration actually began on Monday, the day before my ultrasound, as the clinic did not explain to me the timing of when the insemination would happen and when I needed to obtain the trigger shot. If I hadn’t called the clinic on Monday then I wouldn’t have gotten the trigger shot in time. In fact, I had to overnight it for an extra $20 to ensure that I received it.

$125 spent and I couldn’t even use the damn thing.

When the doctor came in for the ultrasound I started to explain to her my concerns with taking an increased dose of my thyroid medicine as I have still been feeling exhausted and not getting adequate sleep. My regular RE had my blood tested on the June 19th follow-up appointment to check my levels and they were elevated; they wanted to up my dose from 50 mcg to 75 mcg. Of course I have reservations about this because I’m already falling asleep on my car ride home at the end of the day taking 50 mcg. The doctor explained to me that I’m sub-clinical with my thyroid, meaning I pretty much have a “pre-thyroid” condition. My levels aren’t high enough for the average person to need to take meds, but since I’m trying to get pregnant I need to keep my levels down. I didn’t get a clear answer for other alternatives that I could try, leading to me being more upset. She did mention that I could take Armour, a more natural treatment for hypothyroidism, but I would need to consult an endocrinologist to do so. She ended the conversation there and proceeded with the ultrasound. When she said there was only one mature egg she said it was due to being on a low dose of the letrozole.

If I needed to be on a higher dose to have more mature eggs, shouldn’t that have been done to begin with?! It was another wasted cycle. There was no point in doing the IUI with one egg as it doesn’t give his sperm any extra advantage in terms of odds. There wasn’t a point in using the trigger shot if we weren’t doing the IUI either. I could still keep the shot as it will keep in the fridge, but I have no intent to use it anytime soon.

I left my appointment still crying and I called Taylor to tell him what happened. I just sat in my car and sobbed. I was angry and sad. Yet again I felt lost in the shuffle with the clinic and another cycle was completely wasted.

I went back into the clinic and got our most recent records and took the day off of work to re-center. I called another clinic to schedule an appointment, made one, and then didn’t get the needed paperwork signed by Taylor in the time frame that I needed to, so I cancelled the appointment.

We talked about everything and decided to move towards adoption. We want to start a family and we don’t care in what way that happens. We’ll continue to not prevent getting pregnant on our own, but we want to start the foster/adoption process. I contacted the foster care agency and received an e-mail response the next day. We attended our first class on Monday July 3rd and we’re moving forward with this big step. We will complete an adoption home study at the same time we are working towards becoming licensed foster parents so that we  can adopt a child in our care. This will be hard, but worth it. Of course we prefer to have a baby, but will gladly take care of a child who is up to age 8. The classes are 12 weeks long, once a week on Mondays, so we will finish at the end of September. Chances are we could have a placement before the end of the year!

Our family supports us in this decision and we couldn’t be happier. We want to share our love with a child who we can hopefully one day call our own.

This is where we are and I’m so happy to be here.

xoxo

 

 

 

 

 

 

Happy Place

I’ve cried quite a bit this week. Oh what a stressful week it was. I’ve been busy today doing things around and outside the house, but it’s the good kind of busy. Ya know, when you are actually excited to do things and see how they turn out.

I just finished staining a new shelf that Tay built. Before that I cleaned the siding on the house and organized the shed a little. Now I’m sitting outside to take a break.

Listening to the birds…feeling the cool breeze…the warm sun peeking through the tree I’m sitting under… It’s all really beautifully amazing to be honest. When I’m admiring nature, God’s creation, I feel so peaceful. As if nothing stressful that happened before this moment really matters. I’m thankful for peaceful moments like this.

My happy place, as cheesy as it sounds, is when I can be outside and enjoy all of this beauty. I pray that I get thousands more moments like this one.

xoxo

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Unanswered Questions

I may or may not be using today’s daily prompt as an excuse for an update on our fertility journey. I feel as if we were on the cusp of an answer to our biggest question: Why aren’t we able to conceive?

Sadly, our question wasn’t answered at Taylor’s follow up appointment yesterday.

As I mentioned previously, in my first post, he was scheduled to see a urologist on March 6th. After spending two and a half hours at the office with talking to the actual doctor for a total of 15 minutes, a couple of tests were ordered and a follow up visit scheduled a month later.

Taylor got an ultrasound and blood work done and all came back normal.

I repeat: normal.

Our options given by the urologist:

1. In vitro

2. Testicular biopsy (aka unnecessary surgery)

3. Corrective vein surgery (not necessary when the ultrasound showed no abnormalities, but the doctor says he felt an enlarged vein)

We cannot now or ever afford in vitro as it’s  $8-12 THOUSAND dollars. We also both feel those surgeries would be unnecessary and exploratory as the tests showed nothing wrong. And it would put him out of work for a week.

So this is what we have.

We might look into doing another iui procedure if his count is a bit higher. We’re hoping that after taking vitamins for a few months his count will increase at least a little.

Other than that we need to rely on prayer and faith that we’ll conceive one day. This is one of the hardest things we’ve dealt with in our marriage so far. We won’t give up trying on our own.

I know the hardest thing for me will be to convince myself that this is entirely out of our hands. No more making up symptoms, no more stressing about it, no more jealousy of other women who seem to not even try and yet end up pregnant.

No. More.

This is truly out of our hands; we will continue to love each other and wait for God’s impeccable timing.

There are often unanswered questions in life, but rarely unanswered prayers. Those prayers may take longer than we’d like to be answered, but they will be answered one day. Something like this is out of our hands and the only thing we can rely on is our love for each other, faith in God, and prayer. No miracle is too big and I need to read this post to myself over and over so I’m reminded that nothing is impossible for Him.

xoxo

via Daily Prompt: Cusp

Exhaustion

I’ve been really tired after a long day, ready to hit my pillow come the time, and fall right to sleep.

That hasn’t happened in so long, I can’t remember when it was. I also can’t remember the last time I slept in.

Even though I’m exhausted and NEED sleep, I can’t stay asleep or get enough good sleep. It’s always restless. And I’m constantly tired. I’ve never experienced this for such a long period of time. So I started to wonder: what could be the cause? What has changed within my body that could cause this?

New medicine; the very low dose of medication for my hypothyroidism. Something I was given to regulate a-not-so-higher-than-normal hormone level to keep it in check for when I do become pregnant. I read the leaflet that came with the medicine and read the common side effects (I at least read those so I can know what to look for if something goes wrong). Once I saw that feelings of anxiety were a side effect I thought, “Oh, great. Just what I need more of.” After a couple months of restless sleep on top of stress, anxiety, and worry, I began to feel overwhelmed.

Quick to snap or get frustrated at every little thing. Falling asleep in the car on the way to and from work. Crying because I can’t remember what it felt like to nap or sleep well in general.

I called the doctor who prescribed it and let the nurses know what was going on. The response? “Oh, those are common side effects of the generic medication.” I could have screamed. If I had known the name brand would be less likely to cause these symptoms (trouble sleeping and increased appetite) I would have opted for it. Why was I never told about this by the doctor or pharmacist?!

I’m also getting increasingly angry for the doctor not calling me back to let me know if we would be moving forward to switch my medicine. Last week I had blood drawn to check my levels and they’re where they should be. It wasn’t until more than a week after the blood draw that I had to call the office to speak with a nurse about whether or not I’d be able to switch to the name brand medicine.

This is probably a bad idea, I realize that, but I’m not taking the dose for today. It’s 7:45 AM and I’ve been awake since 6:30, unable to fall back to sleep. I’m still laying in bed and I’m already annoyed at the dogs playing and Tay watching a video on his phone. These things should not bother me. 

It’s the utter lack of sleep that’s causing all of these feelings and I’m done with it. I felt completely fine before taking the medication and now I’m too hungry to satisfy and can’t get any rest.

Until I get the new medication is when I’ll start taking it again. I need to advocate for myself and my body. Living life in exhaustion isn’t much of a life…

Good Fortune

Several things come to mind when I see this word. Money, seeing into the future, good things, just to name a few.

I wonder daily if our lives would be easier if we had more money. Not an excessive amount, but just enough to pay off our student loans and maybe buy a new car. But then I think: we’re just fine with what we have. I guess I’d rather have less stress associated with money (wouldn’t we all, right).

I also wonder what it would be like to see into the future. Wouldn’t that put to rest the majority of my thoughts! If I could see one thing into the future I know it would be what my children will look like. Whether adopted or biological, it’d be nice to know that we’d have them.

We’ve had good fortune, as well as bad, throughout our marriage so far. The ups and downs let us know we’ll always be in it together. We’ve been blessed beyond measure and shown that we have plenty to be thankful for overall.

We have been fortunate to have good health; especially throughout our TTC journey {update to come soon}.

Feelings of satisfaction and yearning are stirred up when I think about fortune. What does it stir inside of you?

xoxo

via Daily Prompt: Fortune

Reoccurring Dreams

For as long as I can remember I’ve always had very vivid dreams that I remember just as clearly when I wake. Some are weird and silly while others are quite serious and/or scary.

I’ve also had, and continue to have, moments of deja vu in my day to day life. It’s such a funny thing to be in a moment and realize you’ve felt as if you’ve experienced it before. Does this elude to our minds being able to predict the future?

I remember having a dream about my uncle, aunt, and cousins visiting me at college and we ate frozen yogurt in front of my old dorm. I kept forgetting to text my uncle after I had the dream; it made me want to get in touch with him to see how he was doing. They live in Virginia and I don’t see them often. I was working until late at night, not getting to bed until about 12 AM. A couple nights after the dream, I got a call from my mom at 2 AM to say my uncle, her brother, killed himself. In utter shock, I said and did nothing. Seconds later, I remembered my dream and that’s when I broke down crying.

Growing up I would often sleep walk and talk. Over and over I’d sleep walk down the stairs to be woken up by the motion sensor on the house alarm. Sometimes I’d even go into my parents room and talk to them while sleep walking (creepy much?). When I was still pretty young I slept walked to my desk in my room, sat down, and started to pee as if I was on the toilet. Thankfully I don’t do those things anymore, except occasionally saying a few words in my sleep.

Ever since Taylor and I got engaged I seem to have the same kind of dream (really a nightmare) about him leaving me. I never really do anything to make him leave, he’s just suddenly with someone else. I dream that I’m crying and looking at my ring or I see him with someone else. These dreams leave me feeling sad and it takes me a little bit to shake the feeling.

It’s silly, really. I know he’s not going to leave me and I know he’s going to remain faithful to me. So why do I keep having these kinds dreams? Is it simply my subconscious bringing about irrational fears?

Vivid dreams are a blessing and a curse. I enjoy the funny ones, but not so much the scary ones.

Do you have vivid dreams? Do they leave you feeling the same feelings when you wake? Tell me about your dreams below in the comments.

via Daily Prompt: Vivid