Happy Place

I’ve cried quite a bit this week. Oh what a stressful week it was. I’ve been busy today doing things around and outside the house, but it’s the good kind of busy. Ya know, when you are actually excited to do things and see how they turn out.

I just finished staining a new shelf that Tay built. Before that I cleaned the siding on the house and organized the shed a little. Now I’m sitting outside to take a break.

Listening to the birds…feeling the cool breeze…the warm sun peeking through the tree I’m sitting under… It’s all really beautifully amazing to be honest. When I’m admiring nature, God’s creation, I feel so peaceful. As if nothing stressful that happened before this moment really matters. I’m thankful for peaceful moments like this.

My happy place, as cheesy as it sounds, is when I can be outside and enjoy all of this beauty. I pray that I get thousands more moments like this one.

xoxo

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Unanswered Questions

I may or may not be using today’s daily prompt as an excuse for an update on our fertility journey. I feel as if we were on the cusp of an answer to our biggest question: Why aren’t we able to conceive?

Sadly, our question wasn’t answered at Taylor’s follow up appointment yesterday.

As I mentioned previously, in my first post, he was scheduled to see a urologist on March 6th. After spending two and a half hours at the office with talking to the actual doctor for a total of 15 minutes, a couple of tests were ordered and a follow up visit scheduled a month later.

Taylor got an ultrasound and blood work done and all came back normal.

I repeat: normal.

Our options given by the urologist:

1. In vitro

2. Testicular biopsy (aka unnecessary surgery)

3. Corrective vein surgery (not necessary when the ultrasound showed no abnormalities, but the doctor says he felt an enlarged vein)

We cannot now or ever afford in vitro as it’s  $8-12 THOUSAND dollars. We also both feel those surgeries would be unnecessary and exploratory as the tests showed nothing wrong. And it would put him out of work for a week.

So this is what we have.

We might look into doing another iui procedure if his count is a bit higher. We’re hoping that after taking vitamins for a few months his count will increase at least a little.

Other than that we need to rely on prayer and faith that we’ll conceive one day. This is one of the hardest things we’ve dealt with in our marriage so far. We won’t give up trying on our own.

I know the hardest thing for me will be to convince myself that this is entirely out of our hands. No more making up symptoms, no more stressing about it, no more jealousy of other women who seem to not even try and yet end up pregnant.

No. More.

This is truly out of our hands; we will continue to love each other and wait for God’s impeccable timing.

There are often unanswered questions in life, but rarely unanswered prayers. Those prayers may take longer than we’d like to be answered, but they will be answered one day. Something like this is out of our hands and the only thing we can rely on is our love for each other, faith in God, and prayer. No miracle is too big and I need to read this post to myself over and over so I’m reminded that nothing is impossible for Him.

xoxo

via Daily Prompt: Cusp

Exhaustion

I’ve been really tired after a long day, ready to hit my pillow come the time, and fall right to sleep.

That hasn’t happened in so long, I can’t remember when it was. I also can’t remember the last time I slept in.

Even though I’m exhausted and NEED sleep, I can’t stay asleep or get enough good sleep. It’s always restless. And I’m constantly tired. I’ve never experienced this for such a long period of time. So I started to wonder: what could be the cause? What has changed within my body that could cause this?

New medicine; the very low dose of medication for my hypothyroidism. Something I was given to regulate a-not-so-higher-than-normal hormone level to keep it in check for when I do become pregnant. I read the leaflet that came with the medicine and read the common side effects (I at least read those so I can know what to look for if something goes wrong). Once I saw that feelings of anxiety were a side effect I thought, “Oh, great. Just what I need more of.” After a couple months of restless sleep on top of stress, anxiety, and worry, I began to feel overwhelmed.

Quick to snap or get frustrated at every little thing. Falling asleep in the car on the way to and from work. Crying because I can’t remember what it felt like to nap or sleep well in general.

I called the doctor who prescribed it and let the nurses know what was going on. The response? “Oh, those are common side effects of the generic medication.” I could have screamed. If I had known the name brand would be less likely to cause these symptoms (trouble sleeping and increased appetite) I would have opted for it. Why was I never told about this by the doctor or pharmacist?!

I’m also getting increasingly angry for the doctor not calling me back to let me know if we would be moving forward to switch my medicine. Last week I had blood drawn to check my levels and they’re where they should be. It wasn’t until more than a week after the blood draw that I had to call the office to speak with a nurse about whether or not I’d be able to switch to the name brand medicine.

This is probably a bad idea, I realize that, but I’m not taking the dose for today. It’s 7:45 AM and I’ve been awake since 6:30, unable to fall back to sleep. I’m still laying in bed and I’m already annoyed at the dogs playing and Tay watching a video on his phone. These things should not bother me. 

It’s the utter lack of sleep that’s causing all of these feelings and I’m done with it. I felt completely fine before taking the medication and now I’m too hungry to satisfy and can’t get any rest.

Until I get the new medication is when I’ll start taking it again. I need to advocate for myself and my body. Living life in exhaustion isn’t much of a life…

Good Fortune

Several things come to mind when I see this word. Money, seeing into the future, good things, just to name a few.

I wonder daily if our lives would be easier if we had more money. Not an excessive amount, but just enough to pay off our student loans and maybe buy a new car. But then I think: we’re just fine with what we have. I guess I’d rather have less stress associated with money (wouldn’t we all, right).

I also wonder what it would be like to see into the future. Wouldn’t that put to rest the majority of my thoughts! If I could see one thing into the future I know it would be what my children will look like. Whether adopted or biological, it’d be nice to know that we’d have them.

We’ve had good fortune, as well as bad, throughout our marriage so far. The ups and downs let us know we’ll always be in it together. We’ve been blessed beyond measure and shown that we have plenty to be thankful for overall.

We have been fortunate to have good health; especially throughout our TTC journey {update to come soon}.

Feelings of satisfaction and yearning are stirred up when I think about fortune. What does it stir inside of you?

xoxo

via Daily Prompt: Fortune

Reoccurring Dreams

For as long as I can remember I’ve always had very vivid dreams that I remember just as clearly when I wake. Some are weird and silly while others are quite serious and/or scary.

I’ve also had, and continue to have, moments of deja vu in my day to day life. It’s such a funny thing to be in a moment and realize you’ve felt as if you’ve experienced it before. Does this elude to our minds being able to predict the future?

I remember having a dream about my uncle, aunt, and cousins visiting me at college and we ate frozen yogurt in front of my old dorm. I kept forgetting to text my uncle after I had the dream; it made me want to get in touch with him to see how he was doing. They live in Virginia and I don’t see them often. I was working until late at night, not getting to bed until about 12 AM. A couple nights after the dream, I got a call from my mom at 2 AM to say my uncle, her brother, killed himself. In utter shock, I said and did nothing. Seconds later, I remembered my dream and that’s when I broke down crying.

Growing up I would often sleep walk and talk. Over and over I’d sleep walk down the stairs to be woken up by the motion sensor on the house alarm. Sometimes I’d even go into my parents room and talk to them while sleep walking (creepy much?). When I was still pretty young I slept walked to my desk in my room, sat down, and started to pee as if I was on the toilet. Thankfully I don’t do those things anymore, except occasionally saying a few words in my sleep.

Ever since Taylor and I got engaged I seem to have the same kind of dream (really a nightmare) about him leaving me. I never really do anything to make him leave, he’s just suddenly with someone else. I dream that I’m crying and looking at my ring or I see him with someone else. These dreams leave me feeling sad and it takes me a little bit to shake the feeling.

It’s silly, really. I know he’s not going to leave me and I know he’s going to remain faithful to me. So why do I keep having these kinds dreams? Is it simply my subconscious bringing about irrational fears?

Vivid dreams are a blessing and a curse. I enjoy the funny ones, but not so much the scary ones.

Do you have vivid dreams? Do they leave you feeling the same feelings when you wake? Tell me about your dreams below in the comments.

via Daily Prompt: Vivid

Take Me Back

Last summer we went with Taylor’s family to Madeira Beach, Florida. I’ve been to Florida, just not this part before. Everytime I look at pictures from the trip I yearn for the beach and ocean. John’s Pass was such a neat place to explore. We loved all the little shops and it was even better that it was just a short walk from the hotel. We were “those” people who you could tell were tourists.

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I’ve never stayed on the beach in a hotel, so I was very excited to experience it this time. Waking up to an ocean view is breathtaking.

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I’m ready for the season to change into Spring and to feel the warm air. I’m naturally a doer and so I love to stay busy with things outside like gardening or playing with Diesel when it’s warm.

Take me back…

 

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xoxo

Hesitation

I hesitate to write this post. I hesitated to call a counselor to schedule my first ever session. I hesitate with my words, afraid to offend someone. I hesitated to go to grad school. I hesitate to try new foods. I hesitate to get out of bed some mornings. I hesitated to forgive my Uncle for taking his life. I hesitate to tell myself I’m pretty. I hesitate to do something for fear of doing it wrong.

Enough.

All this hesitation. So much uncertainty. When did I learn to be this way? Why am I so anxious to do things in life? Something’s gotta give. I need to get to a better me.

Less hesitation. Less anxiety. Less doubt.

I’m not ready for “no more” of these things just yet. I have to take baby steps. One.step.at.a.time. I’ll get there.

via Daily Prompt: Hesitate