Here, Now

As a planner, organizer, think ahead-er in all aspects of my life it’s hard for me to be present in the moment. Even in my work I have to think ahead to plan for services for my patients.

After re-grouping from this failed cycle, I’m trying so hard to be present in the moment. Enjoy moments spent with my family as it is now–my husband and dogs.

It’s natural for us to yearn for the future and make moves to work toward our goals in life. My struggle is letting the future get to me by worrying and creating stress that shouldn’t be there.

I’m trying to be better every day and live for the now. There’s no “fix” for the worry and stress I create, but I’m setting intentional moments for myself each day to re-focus and remind myself of the blessings God has given us.

I’m still sad. Still healing from this past year. Still trying to be content with where we are in our lives. It’s a daily work in progress.

xoxo

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My Soul

This hit home. Looking up tattoo ideas on pinterest which led me to infertility symbols and quotes. Saw this quote and it hard.

Crying as I read it and the others that followed.

That’s the hardest part of all of this. Having to go about the day as if nothing is wrong. Pretending like I’m OK when I’m not.

The pain of infertility changes your soul. Crushes it really.

You never know what someone is going through. So if they are moving slowly or are quick to snap, think about the grief or heartache they might be experiencing.

Trying to be “normal” ultimately makes the pain worse. Maybe I’ll be OK again soon. But I’ll let you know.

Negative

Two long weeks. Lots of $$$. Lots of meds and hormones. Many tears that caused swollen eyes and a long headache.

I don’t know why this can’t happen for us. I’ll never know.

Now I wait for my awful period to start. What could have been and never will be.

I’m starting to think it will never happen for us. I’m at a loss. I’m tired of grieving. Tired of it all.

Trying to do some self care to work through it. Wishing my period would come and go already.

I’m sad. Completely and utterly sad.

Two Week Wait

The oh-so-dreaded two week wait.

Our IUI was this morning and everything went great! The procedure is painless and over in two minutes. I rested for 15 minutes afterward and then we left to go home.

It’s been a very scary past week as my husband’s family got into a car wreck this past weekend. So trying to stay calm and stress-free has been difficult. But thankfully everyone is OK and home again.

We still went ahead with the cycle as planned and we both feel so good about it this go around.

I had two good sized follicles on my right side and two more, smaller, ones on my left. They likely grew a little more between my ultrasound on Monday morning and trigger shot on Tuesday night. I’m just happy I have more than one egg in the game here.

Taylor’s numbers for the IUI were good too! Motility was good and the count was so much better than his very first analysis and our first IUI three years ago. We both feel so good about everything and we’re putting it into the world that we’re going to get pregnant this cycle.

My test day is August 29th and I was told not to test any earlier as the trigger shot and progesterone can make a false positive (tomorrow night I’ll start progesterone suppositories twice a day). So I told myself I won’t even buy a test until the day before test day. I’ve waited this long, I can wait another two weeks, right?!(giving myself a pep talk here).

The doctor recommended for us to have sex this evening as well. That’s also what our other doctor said after the first IUI. Taylor isn’t objecting. 😂

The flow of things with this clinic, having an extra few eggs, Tay’s numbers looking good, as well as having the progesterone make me more confident that our chances are higher this time. I always pray for God’s will and if we don’t end up pregnant this cycle then we’ll pick ourselves back up and try again.

Nonetheless, I’m still also praying so hard for us to be pregnant.

My plan is to stay relaxed, but busy, to help keep myself occupied during the next two weeks. I still have plenty ty of organizing to do around the house and projects I need to get done.

I’ll be sure to write about my symptoms if I have any come up.

Prayers for us are appreciated!

xoxo

Pushing Past Fear

We met with a new fertility doctor back in March and have finally settled down with our recent move that we’re ready to do a cycle with IUI.

The doctor said I have PCOS which made me nervous about being OK to move forward with a cycle this month. The ultrasound was normal (thank God) and I started taking Letrozole this week. I go back on Monday to see the progress and how my follicles have responded.

Although I took Letrozole three years ago during our first IUI, I only remember my stomach feeling slightly bloated and ended up maturing only 1 egg. I’m taking 3 pills every day this time and have had some not so fun diarrhea, stomach bloating, fatigue, and light headedness. All normal side effects, but makes me hopeful my body could be responding well to it? I’ve never been on Clomid but have heard the mood swings and hot flashes are intense. I’ve not had any issues with those while taking Letrozole.

This process is exciting and scary at the same time. It was three years ago that we did our first IUI and it failed. I’m feeling hopeful this time around as my husband’s sperm count is up. I’m also hopeful that I’ll have at least 3-4 good sized follicles growing to increase our chances on my end too.

I heard someone say recently that if something scares you then it’s probably going to be really worth it in the end. I’m telling myself every day to push past the fear and possibility of disappointment. I would much rather try and fail than not try at all and wonder “what if.”

Since fostering we have all the essentials to have a baby, we just need the baby. It’s so very strange to be in the place we’re currently in with all that’s happened to us in the past year.

I’m going to try to continue to blog so I can be more outward with our experience during this IUI. I’ve also told a lot of friends and family that we’re doing this so we can have support from them too. I feel less pressure in some ways by not keeping it bottled up.

Praying endlessly for us to have a family again.

xoxo

Buried to Grow

I heard the song Seasons by Hillsong Worship for the first time this morning.

I decided to start my day off with worship music as soon as I woke up. The song came on and I was half listening to the lyrics when the verse sang:

With the nature of patience
Like a seed in the snow
I’ve been buried to grow

Then later:

Though my waiting prolongs even greater
Your promise for me like a seed
I believe that my season will come

How beautiful is that? To think of our life’s struggles in that way. The seasons of hardship, whatever they may look like, are just fragments in our lives leading to more abundant things. My grief and sorrow surrounding being a mother, wanting that privilege again…it will happen again one day.

I instantly welled up with tears at this song as it was a gentle reminder that things will be beautiful again one day. My season will come. My patience, although waivering at times, will be for a purpose. That my heartache is a season. Waiting to grow into something beautiful.

xoxo

Stuck

It takes awhile for my mind to catch up with my current situation.

I’m still stuck.

Stuck in the mindset of trying to be in control of things that I can’t. Getting fired up about injustices and driving myself mad trying to make them right. I’m quick to snap or get upset when things don’t go right the first time.

These behaviors all manifested when our boy was taken away.

I had a vivid dream about him last night. Holding him, giving him a bottle, putting him to sleep. Those sorts of things. So that’s why I’m writing this, so I can shake the rawness of that dream away. My mind is still longing for him but my heart knows he’s never going to be in our lives again.

I see pregnant women everywhere I go and I still long for that for myself. Although I have Instagram I try to stay off of it with all the constant pictures of babies and pregnant bellies…

I’m also stuck with my negative thoughts. Always assuming the worst in people/situations and thinking nothing good happens anymore. My motto lately has been “give me a break” because I’m pleading with God to let us have some time for us to calm down.

God reminds me that these things are meant to make us a stronger and that they have a purpose in the end. It’s hard to believe that sometimes when you’re feeling such intense, raw emotions.

Time doesn’t make the grief get easier, it just puts more distance between you and the traumatic event. I will always replay that day in my head and remember what it felt like to hold and kiss our boy for the last time. I never wish it for any parent. I think of him every day and pray he is happy and healthy.

I need to work on getting my mind out of this rut. Start enjoying life more often. Seeing the good in the world again. In people.

I’m sad. And will always feel an emptiness in my heart that he once filled. I desperately pray I can fill it once again.

xoxo