I read this quote on Instagram a couple of months ago and it sums up my feelings lately. My worth as a mother is diminished at times because my son did not come from my body, he is not half of me and half of my husband, he does not look like us. Even so, his life is better because of us.
“A child born to another woman calls me mommy. The magnitude of that tragedy and the depth of that privilege are not lost on me.” -Jody Landers
I have a lot to say.
My mind races with all of the things I want to scream aloud
But I remain silent.
Do I want to put my mind, my body, my spirit, through all of the stress?
I wonder: Would my words even matter?
I don’t think they would.
Sometimes things are better left unsaid.
We sing this song at church with the lyrics:
Your promise still stands
Great is Your faithfulness, faithfulness
I’m still in Your hands
This is my confidence, You’ve never failed me yet
It’s engrained in my soul somehow that my first reaction to things is to worry about them. And maybe that in itself is something I need to overcome–that this doesn’t have to be who I am and I CAN overcome my worry. Some days it comes easily and others not so much.
That song is so solidifying for me whenever I hear it. God has not failed me yet, so why should I ever doubt His faithfulness? There have been some times where I’ve not seen something happen right away, but in His time things have worked out in the end.
To have the utmost faithfulness and confidence in his timing and grace is something I’m constantly working towards.
I’ve started co-leading a small group of 11th grade girls and there’s this one girl in particular who has so much wisdom and conviction when she speaks. She has the pages of her bible worn and multiple passages highlighted throughout with sticky notes, the whole bit. I told her, “I want to be like you. What you’re doing is amazing.” I think the most important thing about experiences like small group leading is that you go in thinking you’ll teach the group something, but you walk out having learned from them.
Great is your faithfulness, God. You’ve never failed me yet. My confidence is in you. Let’s go.
I’ve been thinking about writing this next post for about a week now and I think I’ve been hesitant to do so because it’s about such an intimate moment between Taylor and I.
It was the day before New Year’s eve and I had just put our little guy down for the night. I was scrolling through Instagram and started seeing everyone’s “best nine” from the year and I figured out how to do my own. It was no surprise that the majority of the pictures had something to do with us fostering and preparing our home for a little one.
It all hit me. I started reflecting on the past year and started to think about all the stress that occurred with the fertility clinic and our desire to have a family of our own. I was thinking about all of the moments I spent longing to get pregnant — and still do — as well as the many times I sat in the rocking chair in the nursery just imagining a little one’s face as I held them in my arms. Naturally, I started to cry. Would you expect anything different? 🙂
I hadn’t cried in awhile, so once I started the tears just kept coming. I walked into the living room where Taylor was and he saw me crying. He asked what was wrong and I was able to shake my head as if to say “Nothing” and I sat on his lap, all curled up. I said I had just been thinking about the past year and last New Year’s eve. Through tears I explained how I wished we would have a family of our own when him and I kissed at midnight. Through my blubbering I said how happy I am and that I couldn’t believe we have a tiny human with us to celebrate this new year. I started to make Taylor tear up and I knew he had been thinking about it too.
Through all of the frustrating day-to-day moments and feeling like I don’t have enough time to do everything on my list, I soak it all in–the good and bad. I remind myself constantly of the longing feelings I felt thinking about having a little one to hold and care for. I never imagined having a one year old, but I think God knew what he was doing when He brought us together. I’m getting teary even now while thinking about all of this again because it’s something my heart has longed for for some time.
I can’t see into the future, so I can’t say if we’ll still have him with us six months from now, but I know that we will love him for however long we have him…and even longer. This all may not sound like much, but it was such a sweet moment between us as husband and wife…a full circle moment. To know that we can share ourselves and our love with someone who has been through so much in his short life, we feel lucky. I pray that the outcome is in his favor and that he will be safe wherever he is in his future.
You make our lives better. We wished for you. We prayed for you. We love you, A.
I’ve been asked this question countless times whether at my job or in everyday life. Time and time again I’ve had to say “No, I don’t have any yet” with such a feeling of sadness.
After we got licensed as foster parents I kept imagining where I would be and what I’d be doing when I got the call for a child to be placed with us. Would it be on Thanksgiving? At the Christmas tree farm? Would I be working? Or at home? I also kept imagining what his or her little face would look like.
Never did I imagine we’d get an almost one year old little boy! And from another foster family at that! The love he was given from that family has given him the start he deserved in his first month of life, but sadly didn’t get.
Even so, I wouldn’t want it any other way. The past week has been a huge adjustment both for us and little man. We’re tired. I caught a cold. Tay and I always talk in whispers while he’s sleeping. We have already seen him get more steady at standing on his own and even take his first 2 baby steps. I love every bit of this. It’s all worth it to give him the love and security he desperately needs– he’s been through so much in his short life so far.
We know this isn’t permanent. We may not end up having the opportunity to adopt him. We keep saying, “We will love him for however long we have him.” If he leaves us, a little piece of me will go with him. That’s the hard part about all of this. No matter what, though, we will trust in God for his plan to unfold for us and this little guy.
For the past two years we’ve wanted a family of our own. Someone who we could share our love with and never think twice about it. The first night when he was brought to our home, Taylor’s family was here. While in the kitchen making dinner, Tay’s brother was holding little man while Tay’s mom was playing peek-a-boo behind his back. All I heard was little man’s laughter and giggles filling up the room. I instantly started to well up with tears and had to hold them back. So much information and emotions were processed that evening and it all hit me in that moment. I thought to myself: This is what I’ve been longing for.
Yesterday I was at Kroger buying a birthday cake for him as he just turned one on Thursday. I was talking with a woman who was telling me about a Christmas event at our town’s community center. She asked me that same old question: Do you have kids? My reply with confidence: Yes, yes I do.
He may not look like us and he may only be with us for a season, but I have a son with my husband who we love. I am a mother. He is my baby. God is faithful.
I’m learning the true meaning of this phrase as we’re nearing the end of our foster care classes. I honestly dont know what we’d do if we didn’t have support from our friends and family.
From providing emotional support to material necessities for the baby or spending time picking out registry items and throwing us a foster/adoption shower. We couldn’t have gotten where we are without that love and support.
It saddens me that my parents don’t support us fostering/adopting and that they’re missing out on all of this. After everything that’s happened with them, that’s all I can bring myself to say.
Well, we have just ONE class left this coming Monday and then we will start our home visits with a social worker soon after. This process has been a lot of waiting. A lot of thinking. And a lot of praying. There are things I have yet to figure out and plan, but I know everything will come together. Even if it doesn’t, that’s OK too.
We appreciate every ounce of support throughout all of this… every comment, gesture, helping hand, and prayer. I keep praying that this is the right path for us as I often do in every big life decision. I pray that we will have an opportunity to love a little one some day, no matter who they are.
Thank you God for our village.
Today I had my first nervous thoughts of “Will I be a good mom?”
I think about all the things I don’t know about raising a baby and I see myself fumbling around trying to soothe their cries or not being able to find their favorite “lovey” that they just can’t sleep without. These thoughts are normal, right?
We’re halfway through our foster parent classes and I gathered the ton of paperwork this week that’s needed to submit to the agency. The baby shower is set for mid September–yes, a shower! I thought it would be completely weird, but it’s actually a very common thing when couples are fostering/adopting. I was hesitant to have one at first because it would definitely be different for obvious reasons, but two of my sweetest friends have taken over the planning for it. I’m so incredibly grateful for them and God brought us into each other’s lives and I’m so thankful for it. I digress, though…
I’m looking forward to the shower and I’m fairly certain I’ll cry because I know a lot of sinking in will happen when I walk into the room. We have the crib and changing table set up in the newly painted nursery and I secretly stand in the middle of the room imagining his or her face, just lying there in the crib. I think about all the highs and lows we will have. I also pray for God’s guidance as we navigate through it all.
Even though I’m not pregnant I’m still starting to experience the nerves, the excitement, and the fear just to name a few feelings. I know we’ll figure out a lot as we go and I’m looking forward to continuing on this journey with my husband. I know this will bring us closer together and we will learn so much about ourselves as we parent together.
Aside from the crib and changing table we have a dresser and a diaper bag, along with a few onesies/outfits I couldn’t help but buy. I will say I’m excited about the diaper bag since it’s one of those backpack style bags and Tay will wear it too! We will slowly keep getting the things we need for a baby and the shower will of course help us tremendously. Whether it’s our first or our fifth placement, I pray we are able to adopt a sweet child one day.
We’re looking forward to this big step in our lives and showering him/her with love.