Mine

Worth the pain. More than worth the money. Worth the tears. I love you baby boy.

Dates of your birth and when you were placed are forever with us.

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Dreams

The mind is funny. It plays tricks on us. Creating false realities that frighten or confuse, or even evoke utter happiness.

I dreamt of you last night. That you had come back to us. I held you in my arms and looked at you, telling you we never wanted any of this and we were so thankful to have you back. I looked at your little face and told you I loved you. You smiled and hugged me, burying your face in my chest.

I awoke around 230 AM and realized it was all a dream. I let out an audible groan of disappointment. Sadness. Exhaustion. Grief.

I pray this gets easier with time. I pray you are safe. I pray with the little glimmer of hope I have that you’ll come back to us. Tears are rolling down my face as I write this. Thinking of you and your sweet face.

You made me a mother. And you will always be my son. I will keep dreaming of you until the day I die.

Grief

That word. Something I thought I knew the meaning of when my few relatives have died over the 25 years of my short life.

I didn’t know the true meaning until now. When we lost our son. For no reason.

One minute he was here. The next, just gone. He may as well have died. Taken from us before it was ever supposed to happen.

I’m numb. We’re numb. Nothing else matters. I’m a robot just going through these motions, mindlessly.

I eat because I have to, not because I want to. I have no appetite.

I sleep fitfully. My nights are filled with vivid dreams eluding to the stress and despair I feel so strongly when I’m awake. Or I dream about him.

We’ve forgotten what his voice sounds like.

I still remember the way his soft cheeks felt against mine. The way his little hand felt in mine when he would jump down the front steps. I remember holding him when he had just thrown up all over me. I remember the smile on his face when he finally had a stick horse to play with.

Those things will always be with me. In my mind. In my heart. My broken heart.

We’re good at being parents; giving our love, teaching, guiding, providing security. We pray God will make us parents again. We pray He will make this wrong, right. There are still people fighting for what’s best for our A.

Hug your little ones. Even your ones who are now big. I wish that no parent ever has to go through this. Live with and love your children as if it’s your last day with them. Nothing they mess up is ever bigger than not having them around anymore.

Gluten Free Update

I realized it’s been over two months since my last blog post, so it’s been over two months since I cut gluten out of my diet! I hadn’t realized what an impact gluten was having on my body until I eliminated it completely.

I can eat meals now without feeling so full that I’m going to bust. When I do get “full” I dont feel sluggish or gross. Since we have a toddler I can’t really say I have more energy, but I can definitely tell my body feels better. Now that I’ve cut it out of my diet I don’t think there’s any way I can go back. I ate a piece of cookie cake on my birthday (July 7th, over a month of being gluten free) and I slept the rest of the day and felt awful. A couple weeks ago I ate a piece of cookie cake again and that evening my stomach was in knots and so bloated.

I also unintentionally lost five pounds in the first month. I could definitely feel my stomach adjusting to the absence of gluten; I had some painful cramps and bloating while my body was getting out all of the junk. Now that my body has adjusted, my digestion is more regular and I’m not as constipated either (win!).

I’m now mainly eating rice, fruits, veggies, and meats. As much fresh food as possible. We do buy gluten free foods like pastas and tortillas that are rice-based. I have such a sweet tooth and can still eat things like ice cream, brownies/cake, and plain chocolate. 😍

Our grocery bill went up a little, but not much since we were already eating minimally processed foods. But nonetheless, we still spend a good bit on groceries each week to maintain the fresh foods we need.

I don’t think I’ll go back to eating gluten cause I just feel so good now. If you’re having similar symptoms as I’ve had, maybe try cutting gluten from your diet!

xoxo

Gluten-Free

For three months, from December-March, I took four rounds of antibiotics for an upper respiratory infection and two bouts of strep. I got smart on the fourth round of meds and got a probiotic to take along with it. FINALLY I was well.

Now I have a UTI. So I’m on another round of antibiotics. I’ve been struggling to stay well in general, but my digestion has been a little off for the majority of this year. I went to urgent care about two weeks ago to get blood drawn for some unexplained nausea I was having out of nowhere (no, not pregnant). My labs came back normal, but I still didn’t have an explanation for the nausea.

The rest of that week I could barely eat as I normally did. I would eat breakfast and lunch but have no appetite for dinner as I had this constant feeling of queasiness. Going into the next week (this week) I realized I couldn’t remember the last time I had a BM. Side note-working in a hospital and being a mom makes me way more comfortable to talk about bodily secretions. Sorry, not sorry.

Anyway, a little back story on my bowel issues. I remember my mom taking me to the doctor when I was young for a hard “something” that could be felt in my left lower stomach. I had an ultrasound done to check my ovary and then an X-ray. The radiologist said the doctor would talk to my about the results, but she could see a lot of stool in there. Being young and not knowing, I asked her, “What’s stool?” She replied, “Poo.” So my mom got me some laxatives to help me out, but I don’t really remember ever changing anything with my diet.

As I’ve gotten older I’ve incorporated more fibrous foods like whole grain English muffins and Fiber One cereal (which actually tastes really good) and I’ve been able to get moving with those and similar foods.

This past week I was so incredibly uncomfortable I couldn’t bear it. I tried to eat my fiber cereal with no luck. I didn’t feel like eating cause I always felt so “full.” I broke down and got some Miralax and finally got some relief. In the midst of all of this I somehow thought that maybe it’s all this pasta and bread I’ve been eating. Do I suddenly have an intolerance to it?

A friend showed me a blog post of one of her friends who talked about how she decided to go gluten-free after having joint pain and other symptoms. Interestingly, she had finished taking an antibiotic when the joint pain, nausea, and lethargy started to be a norm for her. Could there be a link between antibiotics and digestive issues?? She goes on to talk about when she stopped eating gluten (wheat) she felt a million times better. At first I was afraid to stop eating gluten because I didn’t know if I could handle a big diet change like that. Now that I’ve realized there are still plenty of foods I can eat, it doesn’t seem so scary.

That scary feeling, though, came from the fact that gluten is in virtually everything today. It’s even in our beauty and hygiene products as a filler. Crazy right?! If you look at a bag of chips, a box of cereal, croutons, anything with wheat, barley, or rye. They. All. Have. Gluten.

If you have some time watch “What’s with Wheat” on Netflix. This was so incredibly eye opening and it even talks about non-celiac gluten sensitivity. There aren’t any tests for this type of sensitivity, you simply have to cut it out of your diet for a couple of months and then slowly reintroduce gluten and see how your body reacts.

Whether you have a sensitivity or not, I’ve heard you will feel a lot better without gluten in your diet.

I went through our pantry and took out everything with wheat that we have. It wasn’t an insane amount of food, but still significant that our pantry looks slightly bare. I’ve been carefully watching what I eat to cut out gluten for only three days. I’m looking forward to seeing how I feel a few weeks from now.

I’ll be sure to update on how I’m feeling along the way! Let me know if you have any suggestions for gluten-free meals!

xoxo

Tragedy

I read this quote on Instagram a couple of months ago and it sums up my feelings lately. My worth as a mother is diminished at times because my son did not come from my body, he is not half of me and half of my husband, he does not look like us. Even so, his life is better because of us.

“A child born to another woman calls me mommy. The magnitude of that tragedy and the depth of that privilege are not lost on me.” -Jody Landers

xoxo

Silence

I have a lot to say.

My mind races with all of the things I want to scream aloud

But I remain silent.

Do I want to put my mind, my body, my spirit, through all of the stress?

I wonder: Would my words even matter?

I don’t think they would.

Sometimes things are better left unsaid.