Heartache

I want to write a quick post as I’m laying here in bed, about to fall asleep. My husband lays snoring next to me and all I can think about is the busy day ahead of me tomorrow.

I then stop for a minute and begin to reflect on this evening. I’ve always been a self-reflector, if you haven’t caught on by now. I’ve never done a walk like this before and I think it took a lot for me to do it. The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP) puts on a walk called Out of the Darkness to raise awareness about suicide and allow for us to honor our loved ones.

The announcer said that this year was the highest participation they’ve had to date. I don’t know how to feel about that. It’s either great that more people are raising awareness, or awful that more and more people are committing suicide. I just don’t know.

I thought the dove release was beautiful and even the candle lighting at the end too. I’ll admit that, besides feeling the woes of my aunt flo, I really don’t think I could have stayed for the candle lighting. I teared up at the doves and I wasn’t about to see what would happen with the candle lighting.

I think it’s still too early.

I don’t take enough time out of my days or weeks to think about my uncle. As the time approached for the walk, I of course found myself thinking about him more. I remember thinking while walking “I wish I didn’t have to be here right now.” I enjoyed doing it and I’m glad I did. But no one wants to have to participate in a walk such as this.

In the time before the walk, I thought of a lot of memories with him…

One funny (but not so funny at the time) memory involves his love for picking on and scaring me. I vividly remember him having one of those large chucky dolls and scaring me with it; you know the movie with the creepy baby who loves to kill people? Yeah, that one.

Because I was so creeped out by that doll, he decided to wait for me to go upstairs and put his evil plan into action. Well, what I found in the hall after coming back downstairs made me scream and almost jump out of my skin. He stood the doll up in the middle of the hall, positioned it’s arm up in the air, and put a small knife from the kitchen in its hand. All I could see was the silhouette of the doll holding that knife.

What doesn’t sound so creepy in writing, was one of the most terrifying things to me at whatever age I was. He got me good and he loved it. I remember him laughing so hard his face turned red.

These are the moments I like to remember. It sounds weird, but they’re memories like that one that make me miss him. I know he loved me. I will always love him. I also know in my heart he never wanted to hurt anyone with what he did.

I wasn’t ready for that candle lighting for many reasons. I need more time to grieve. I need more time to heal. I need more time to remember. I need more time to cry. I need more time with him.

I’m proud of us for doing this tonight and I missed a lot of my family, including my cousins. It never gets easier, but we learn to deal with it in some way and move forward. I think that’s all we can do.

Rest in Peace, I love you. ♡

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